recently i was in therapy with my psych. we’ve been meeting for over a year now, after i got my cancer diagnosis i dove straight into all social services i could access; palliative care, behavioral health, reiki, support groups. we’ve talked about all sorts of topics but one main crux i keep returning to shedding shame & fear. (i was recently reminded 2025 is the year of the wood snake; the imagery of shedding has been poignant for a reason it seems) getting cancer, becoming or being disabled, experiencing great loss, we all will have massive moments where we stop & have to recalibrate to assess where we are going in life.

seek discomfort.

most of this year i’ve been committed to being uncomfortable. doing things scared. synchronous. emotional excavation. ego etch-a-sketch erased yet exalted. unfurling every aspect of myself i thought was fixed to center.

birth/death.

lately i’ve been walking with some folks through deaths in their lives. while bombs are being dropped on innocents, families separated via masked gestapo rejects, power grid failures, tragic deaths, & more horrid acts are occurring at the same time a kid is learning to ride a bike unassisted for the first time, someone just passed the bar on the first try, a dying language is being passed on from generation to generation, a baby has been welcomed earthside.

beautiful chaos.

eternally there is nothing but chaos. everything we experience or manifest or plan for is completely at random. the choices we make or ones we avoid all lead us to where we are currently. right now i’m doing exactly what i should be doing & i only got here thru not only via successes but via losses.

both/and.

recently i was in therapy with my psych. she asked me what it would mean to not just accept failure but become friends with it? & if i befriended it how could i be scared of doing something? immediately tears poured out of me as i realized: i wasn’t scared anymore. integrating my shadow is a longterm project but we are better acquainted now more than ever. & becoming is truly cracking me open, juicy ripe bits ready to be plucked & savored in it’s complexity, age, & depth.